


Lovely

by rmartin



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Child Abuse, High School, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-27
Updated: 2019-07-27
Packaged: 2020-07-23 00:10:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20000764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rmartin/pseuds/rmartin
Summary: Armitage Hux's been leading a lonely life so far. He doesn't have friends, no place to call home. That's until he is assigned to work on a project with Kylo Ren - the boy with whom is Armitage secretly in love.





	Lovely

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I have to admit that this isn't my first attempt to write Kylux modern AU but I guess this is the only one I quite like. Also, this is my first one chapter fic that's so long - haha, congratulations to myself I guess!!! 
> 
> I wanted to say a big thank you for giving this fic a chance and reading it! I am very nervous about publishing this and I don't know why. I tried to publish it three months ago for the first time and I immediately gave up and now I rediscovered it once more so here it is...

He asked Phasma the night before not to buy him anything on his birthday. So it should not come to him as a surprise when she listens to him. It's the first time she's ever listened to him and instead of the victory, he feels miserable. Hux is not a fan of birthdays. Not ever since he’s discovered all those great things one could do. Phasma is a friend – a friend who usually talks to him during the breaks but doesn't really know anything of importance about him.

She usually buys him chocolate – or something sweet and says: Happy Birthday! Hux never tells her that all he's ever wanted was something a bit personal. It's nice to know that she doesn't forget about him – but it doesn't feel like a celebration either. He's never had a birthday party in his life. And he's never been invited to drink or anything, even if this is his eighteenth birthday and according to the movies it's the chance to get drunk a lot. Hux doesn't have many friends – or a boyfriend for that matter. And it's fine. But on days like this one, he wishes to have that person who was made only for him and him only.

He smiles at Phasma when she walks by and stops to pat his shoulder and congratulate him. “Look at the old man,” she says. “Welcome to the world of adults!” She leaves and he feels that longing. She's the only person who congratulates him that day and as Hux packs his things, he needs to remind himself that this single day belongs to him. Nothing bad can happen to him on his birthday. He meets Ren on his way out, standing as usual, with his sister and her boyfriend Finn. They all wave at him and Ren approaches him with a smile. Hux blushes. He likes Ren – more than he probably should and more than he's allowed to.

“I am sorry, Hux,” Ren starts to apologize. “But I cannot do that project with you tonight. I have some other plans. I am sorry.” He looks genuinely sad and Hux feels as his heart melts inside of his chest. He doesn't miss the implication of Ren's plans and suddenly, he feels like he knows. Ren opens his mouth once more and Hux is expecting him to say: We need to celebrate your birthday! His heart skips a beat and he almost nods. But then he stops himself once he realizes that Ren is saying something different.

“Finn had a birthday last week and we still haven't celebrated. Rey asked me to come.” Hux's heart drops. He knows he is naïve at times – he likes to pretend just to make himself feel better. He glances at Finn and suddenly feels jealous. He wishes to have friends like this, making plans together. It's not that he's a bad person, he's just not good with people and it happens only rarely that someone decides that he's worth it. He nods and tries to keep his emotions at bay. He doesn't need Ren to know – he must never find out about his feelings.

Just last year, when Poe and Hux were still friends and Ren didn't even know that someone with name Hux truly existed, Hux sent a friend request to Ren on Facebook in hopes of getting closer to him. Ren declined him – but when Poe tried, he didn't have to wait for long. “It seems pretty easy to me,” he grinned after. Hux parroted his laugh and smiled. Of course that everything seems easy once you're not scrawny bony ginger with the inability to start a conversation. Hux knows he's a boring person. He never has anything to say about his weekend because all his weekends are the same. In fact, every single day of his life is the same. He wakes up and studies and studies and studies until the evening once he finally passes out dangerously close to midnight and sleeps till the other morning.

His life was a bit different when Poe decided he was worth being friends with. There was a time when Hux thought that he finally discovered something worth living for. There were parties, people who wanted to talk to him. Even Ren smiled at him in the halls when he passed him with Poe by his side. But then Poe moved away and things shattered. Hux knows it was his own fault. He's never tried to blame Poe for any of that happened. There is some part of him, some damaged part, that sooner or later destroys everything. He blames his depression for that – he blames his entire being for that. He is sick and no one can cure him. It simply always happens, no matter how happy he is, no matter how good things are going. Hux snaps and he destroys it all. Because he needs that sadness – he needs to feel the pain and remind himself that good things don't happen to people like him.

Pushing Poe away hurt the most. He cannot even remember what happened. He just knows that he texted those words. _I think we should stop being friends._ Who says that? Only someone who wants to get hurt? Poe asked him why. Hux could feel his desperation. _Why? Why? Why?_ Because. It ended after that. Hux stopped eating afterward, he stopped living altogether. He cried at night and studied during the day. It was a mistake to let Poe go and at the same time, Hux believes he did the right thing before it was too late. He is too damaged and sooner or later he would damage even the people he cares about.

Hux closes his eyes and opens them when Ren says his name. “Are you okay?” he asks and looks concerned. Hux forces himself to smile. “Of course I am,” he reassures Ren. “Tell Finn happy birthday for me.”

Ren only shortly nods. His eyes stop on Hux's face as if to determine if he's lying or not. In the end, he decides he doesn't care that much, pats Hux on his shoulder and runs back to his friends. Hux can hear their voices as he starts walking away. He wishes to stay with them and get rid of that void that settles inside his lungs and steals away his breath.

_It's his birthday after all – nothing bad can happen to him, right?_

He finds out just how wrong he is when he comes home. At first, he thinks nothing of his father quietly sitting in the living room. He says hi and is prepared to go to his room and hide there for the rest of the weekend. Hux is shocked when Brendol calls his name and tells him to come for a talk. He hesitates but obeys and finds himself standing in front of his father. Brendol is frowning. His lips are pressed into a thin line and his pale blue eyes are fixed on his son's face.

“Armitage,” he grumbles and takes out a cigarette. He puts it in-between his lips and lights it up. Just as he blows up a cloud of smoke Hux finds himself wondering if his father remembers that this is his eighteenth birthday. He is quiet but he keeps nervously shifting. Brendol hasn't hit him in years but Hux is still frightened when he's facing his father. He is all too well aware of his father's strong hands and of bruises the impact leaves behind.

“Your teacher called.”

Hux closes his eyes. His body starts trembling. He knows exactly what this is about. He almost forgot. “Look at me when I am speaking to you boy!” his father angrily shouts and throws the cigarette on the carpet. Hux's eyes crack open and he stills. His heart skips a beat when Brendol reaches and grabs the collar of his shirt. “I expected better from you,” he says coldly. “I told you that I will not tolerate laziness. You have one last chance to make things right before I will do it.” Then his palm collides with Hux's cheek. His body shakes and the impact sends his head flying to the side. He hears a loud cracking sound and for a moment sees nothing but darkness. “Yes, sir,” he answers like an obedient son he is and tastes the blood on the tip of his tongue. His father grins and shakes with his son's body. There's still anger burning inside his eyes but not with such intensity as before. He lets go of Hux and the boy falls on his knees.

“I am heading out.” Hux finds himself nodding. He feels relieved that it is over. He watches as Brendol leaves the room and only then tries to stand up. Hot tears start rolling down his cheeks by the time he makes it to his room. He checks his phone, just to be sure but he doesn't feel disappointed when he sees he has no notifications. He throws the device against the wall and watches as it shatters into pieces. Good. It's not like anyone will try to reach him over the weekend anyway. He cannot remember the last time someone tried to reach him just to find out how he's doing. Not even Ren starts their conversations wondering if Hux's fine or not.

Hux curls under the sheets of his bed and makes his birthday wish. He wants to be dead. That's the least the universe can do for him. He's honestly tired of hoping that things will get better. He's waited eighteen years for things to get better and someone up there decided to rudely ignore him. He's figured a long time ago that the world is made of people who get to have their happy ending and those who survive just long enough to die anyway.

And wouldn't it to be pretty – to actually be one of those people? To come to school and find Ren leaning against his locker and waiting for Hux. “Hey,” he would say. “I was thinking a lot lately… I was wondering if you're free tonight?” And who would say no to that?

The bruise on his cheek is covered by a layer of make – up. Hux suspect he could show up with a full bruise and bloody face and no one would notice. “I expected more from you,” is the first thing his teacher tells him once the bell rings. Hux finds himself nodding his head and agreeing that he will have to try harder. His chest is hurting. He hates being wrong – is it not enough that he's unable to be good with people, now he's not good enough even in the school. How fair is that?

Ren finds him during the break. He says something to Rey and then appears by Hux's side. “Do you need help with this?” he asks and points at the heavy books Hux's carrying around.

“No,” Hux politely declines him. A small smile forms on his lips like it always does when he sees Ren. “Are you here to tell me that you don't have time to do the project tonight either?” he jokes but immediately stops when Ren's face falls. “I am sorry,” he quickly apologizes. “That's fine if you don't have time. I could do it alone and I just write your name under mine.” He weakly smiles. The project was his only excuse to see Ren on a daily basis. He doesn't want to lose this chance, no matter how brief their meetings are.

Ren shakes his head. “It's not that,” he says. “I just wanted to tell you that my mum invites you for dinner tonight. She heard that we're doing a project together and she likes meeting my friends.” He awkwardly laughs and Hux starts wondering if he should decline. Ren doesn't seem to be keen on having Hux to stay for dinner. But before he gets to say anything, Finn comes towards them and pats Ren's shoulder. “Come,” he says with a smile and spark in his eyes. “The Couch will be mad and we cannot be late again.”

Ren eagerly nods like he always does when someone speaks about his training and looks at Hux. “Come to us tonight,” he says. “My mum will be pleased.” Then he runs away with Finn by his side, joking and loudly laughing. Hux wants to go after him and tell him that it's just not a good idea. He likes what they have too much and he doesn't want to lose it just because Ren doesn't want him to meet his family. They are not friends after all – just two boys making the same project. He looks down at his shaking hands and feels like crying.

“Oh,” Phasma finds him later. “Rey told me you've been invited for a dinner at Solo's.” She snickers. “Look at the lucky guy.”

Hux doesn't even look at her, just tries to concentrate on the book he's currently reading. “It's nothing,” he says plainly. “I bet he invites all of his partners. He told me his mum wanted to meet me. It's not that weird.”

“Hux, are you even realizing you're re-living every girl's wet dream? Every girl in this fucked up school wishes to get that spot at Ren family’s dinner table and get to play the part of his girlfriend.” Hux laughs maybe too loudly and immediately regrets it. His cheeks flush in embarrassment. “I don't think he wants me to go there. He said it with such regret that I wonder if his mum made him invite me.” He never dares to say that he and Ren practically belong to different kinds of worlds. Ren is one of those lucky guys the world belongs to and Hux enjoys their brief encounters and doing projects while he can because it all ends the same way. Ren says thank you once the project is done and they speak no more.

Hux already accepted that the bitter disappointment will come and he just hates being so close something he wants but being unable to truly have it. “Just go,” Phasma advises him. “I bet you'll enjoy it. Ren's dad is really cool. You'll like it there.”

Phasma is right. Han Solo is a cool dad. He asks Hux's name and immediately forgets it. He cracks a joke or two and Hux has a feeling that Han is feeling sorry for a skinny ginger that accidentally landed a spot at their dinner table. Ren took after him a lot though he has his mother's eyes – chocolate brown and always smiling. Leia greets Hux with an honest smile and asks him random questions now and there. Hux knows her better than he knows Ren's dad. Brendol dislikes her for her political opinions but Hux doesn't mind. She seems sweet enough and even gives him more food on the plate because he looks too skinny. She is a miserable cook like Han says with a wink but she has a big heart and is manipulative enough to make people around her eat what she cooks.

Hux is seated between Ren and Rey. They barely speak during dinner. Anytime Ren says something, it's either addressed to his parents or Rey. “I am sure Hux will love to answer those questions once he is done with eating,” he keeps patiently reminding to his mum as he plays with his food. Rey keeps looking at Hux quizzically. She is confused. He can tell that she cannot remember seeing him at school and Hux doesn't blame her. He is too invisible to be noticed by people who have an actual life to enjoy. But she tries to be nice.

“You're my brother's friend,” she greeted him with a smile. “Ren talks about you a lot.” Hux bets it's not true but he politely smiled once she said it and looked at Ren. Ren frowned and showed Hux where to sit. “Do you want anything to drink?” he asked even but Hux declined once he realized that Ren wasn’t that keen to see him.

It destroyed the mood. Hux never dares to say it out loud but he hoped the dinner will end up differently. He imagined things and not once he realized that Ren will treat him this coldly. He already knows that when he'll get home he will be crying himself to sleep.

“We should do the project,” Ren says to him after dinner when Leia starts firing another round of her questions. She seems genuinely interested in him and Hux wants to tell her that it's unnecessary because Ren won't be his friend for much longer. He grabs Hux's hand and looks at his mum. “Can Hux sleep here tonight?” he asks and the question makes Hux freeze. He looks at Ren in sheer panic. Leia hums under her breath.

“It's getting pretty late,” she says after a moment of thinking. “And you said you wanted to work on that project…” Then she smiles and taps her son's shoulder. “Sure. You'll go to school together tomorrow.”

Ren kisses her on forehead. “Thank you,” he says quietly and tugs at Hux's hand. Together they walk into Ren's room. It's a bit smaller than Hux's own but seems much more comfortable. Hux sees pictures on the wall - Ren's friends and family all alike. Ren catches him observing those pictures and chuckles. “Those are old,” he murmurs and brushes his hair. “I had a bad haircut then.” It's not entirely true. Ren looked good even then thought he was much younger. He is beautiful now. Hux blushes when he finds himself thinking those things.

“We should work,” he says awkwardly. Ren looks at him and smirks. “I- I mean, we're almost finished and – “ Hux pauses.

“And?” Ren asks and moves closer. Suddenly he's too close. Hux cannot remember how many times he’s imagined a situation like this. Having Ren coming to him. That fantasy never gets old. He just needs to feel Ren's arms around him, keeping him close. Maybe a kiss would be nice too. Hux's never been kissed before and he doubts he ever will be.

Hux doesn't know what to say. His body starts to shake and he knows that Ren must have noticed. He stops moving. His breath hitches when Ren's hand lands on his shoulder and moves down. Ren's fingers wrap around his wrist. “Fuck,” he hears as Ren says. “You really are thin, Armitage.”

It's the first time Ren's ever said his name. His real name – not just Hux but Armitage. Hux's body melts. This is too good to be real but if this is a dream Hux never wants to wake up. He startles when the door opens and Rey walks right in. She notices her brother touching Hux and she laughs. “Have you done it?” she asks in excitement. Ren's features are unreadable.

“Fuck off,” he tells her roughly but Rey ignores him. She comes closer. Her eyes scan Hux with the intensity he is not used to and he shrinks back.

“Finn though he will not be able to do it but I told him that my brother is no fucking coward.” She taps Hux's cheek. “He usually prefers blondes and girls.” She winks as if Hux could understand what she is talking about. That's when Ren steps in. “Rey,” he warningly says.

She understands him somehow and takes a step back. “Oh,” she says. “He doesn't know then.” She turns around. “I'll come later once he does.” Ren closes the door behind and heavily sighs.

“I should go,” Hux mumbles miserably. It's just a joke. He's never imagined Ren being this cruel but what else is he supposed to think now? He is prepared to storm away but Ren quickly catches his hand and holds it close.

“No,” he says and then repeats the same word more pleadingly. “Rey wasn't supposed to come in. It seems so weird now and I swear it's not that creepy. I just told her before I told you.” He hesitates but then leans forward and kisses Hux on his lips. Hux freezes. He is not sure if he's supposed to cry or laugh. Ren has to notice that he's not moving before he pulls away too soon. He finds Hux crying. Hux wishes to hide. His cheeks are damp with tears and his lips are shaking. His chest is rising and falling heavily. He frowns.

“I am sorry,” he tells and Hux shakes his head. He feels miserable. He fucked up the best moment of his life just because he panicked.

“No,” he shakes his head and tries to turn around. “I am sorry. I fucked up. I am sorry.” He should go home now and curl into sheets and pretend that he no longer exists. He moves towards the door but Ren once more keeps him in place. He faintly smiles. “Look, it's fine. I once kissed a girl who threw up right afterward so this kiss was pretty good. I didn't want to scare you.” He pauses. “Did you want me to kiss you?”

Hux finds himself nodding. “Yeah,” he admits as Ren carefully brushes away his tears. “I am sorry,” he adds then once more but Ren doesn't seem to notice it. He keeps looking into Hux's wet face.

“Do you want me to kiss you again?”

Hux eagerly nods. He feels like a little boy once more. How can Ren look at him? How can he even like him? There is no answer for those questions. Ren leans closer and one of his hands bury in Hux's red strands. The other cups the side of his face and their lips meet once more.

***

They walk hand in hand towards the pool. Hux is feeling nervous but Ren assured him that the experience will be enjoyable. Hux's body is wrapped in a fluffy towel. Ren is wearing just his trunks. Hux can see the muscle showing underneath his skin and feels self-conscious. His body is too pale and too thin. He wants to tell Ren that he changed his mind when they stop walking and Ren lets go of Hux's hand. It's Rey who jumps into the pool as first. Her long hair waves in the air. Then her small body disappears under the surface of the water.

Finn and Ren follow her closely. Ren is laughing as he emerges from underneath the water and winks at Hux. His dark hair is glued to his forehead and dripping from water. Hux hesitates when Ren signalizes him to join them. “Come, sweetheart,” he calls and raises one hand in the air. “I'll catch you if it's needed.” Ren is a much better swimmer than Hux is. He is swimming for the school team and apart from that feels truly alive only when he's under the water.

Hux lets his towel fall on the ground and makes a first shakily step towards the pool. He watches the glittering water. Just last night he admitted to Ren that he cannot swim. Ren promised he will teach him. Even now he reassuringly smiles and reaches forward. “Come,” he says once more. “I'll catch you. And the water is not that deep. You'll be able to stand without my help.” He waves his hand and Hux takes a deep breath. Just as he finally finds the courage to slowly dive into the water, he feels as some invisible force collides with his back and he screams as he falls forward. The water is cold. Colder than he expected. Hux opens his eyes and sees nothing but shadows and hands reaching towards him. He tries to breathe in but soon realizes that he's under the water. Bubbles of air escape his mouth and when he is about to scream once more and kick his legs, Ren's hands wrap around his middle and bring him back up. Hux starts coughing and his eyes crack open. His hands wrap around Ren's neck and he is too terrified to let the other boy go.

He can hear how loudly is his heart beating inside his chest. He hears Finn's voice. “I am so sorry,” he keeps saying. “I didn't know he is unable to swim.” Ren glares at him but then turns his attention back on Hux and brushes his hair. “Hello there,” he says calmly and holds Hux's shaking body close. “Look who joined me in the pool.” He tries to let go of Hux's legs but Hux refuses to cooperate. Ren sighs and presses a cold kiss against Hux's forehead. He allows Hux to press his thighs against Ren's hips and together they stand in silence.

“It's fucking cold,” Hux stutters. “You've never told me that the water is this cold.”

Ren shakes his head. “It'll get warmer once you start moving.” He starts walking around, keeping Hux close. “I will not let you fall, sweetheart, you don't need to hold me this tightly.

Hux agrees but he refuses to relax the grip he has on Ren. “I don't want to drown,” he whimpers.

“I would never allow it.”

He looks at Ren. He feels like he could stare at him forever and it still wouldn't be enough. Ren has to notice him staring because he offers Hux a shy smile and starts moving quicker. Cold water is dripping from his hair. Hux shivers. He looks down and sees how pale his skin looks. “Your lips are blue,” Ren tells him. “Are you that cold?” Hux shrugs. He is not cold, not really. He is shivering for other reasons now. He tightens his grip on his boyfriend and the taller boy slightly twitches.

“Careful with that sweetheart,” he mumbles and comes to the edge of the pool. “I think it's time to let go of me.” Hux looks at him unsure. He is still afraid of drowning. He panics when he feels as Ren starts pushing him away. “SSHH,” Ren shushes him gently. “I am here. Don't make that face. I am the best swimmers in this school – do you really think I will let you die?” He kisses the side of Hux's damp cheek. “You smell like me now, after water.” He takes a deep breath. Hux finally decides to relax his grip. Ren was right. He is able to stand on his tiptoes. His fingers are still tightly wrapped around Ren's forearms though.

“In time you'll learn to like this,” Ren grins like a seven-year-old boy and shows his perfect white teeth. “Just give it time.” He takes a step away from Hux. Hux reaches for him and makes a distressed sound. Ren cocks his head to the side. “Come on, sweetheart, walk with me.”

Hux has to admit it's not that bad. Ren helps him to keep his head just above the water. After they are done walking they climb out of the pool and Ren brings their towels. Hux is shaking but Ren doesn't seem to mind. “I am used to this,” he says with a cheeky grin and throws his towel over Hux's shoulders. “Maybe we should warm you up.” His remark is innocent but as he presses his lips against the column of Hux's neck, Hux feels like he knows just what Ren means. He is silent as he watches Rey and Finn in the water, loudly screaming and chasing each other.

“Armitage?”

Hux looks at his boyfriend. No one uses that name except for Ren and Brendol. “You weren't here for a moment.” Hux blinks and then shakes his head to show it was nothing. Ren nods and wraps his arms around his waist. He brings him closer and rests his chin on Hux's shoulder. “Today was a good day,” Hux whispers. It scares him. Every good day eventually turns into a bad one. Hux is afraid that all of this is just temporary. Ren will soon understand. Hux's biggest fear isn't that Ren will cheat on him one day. There is that possibility that Ren will wake up one morning. It might be Saturday or Monday or Wednesday. It might be tomorrow or the next week, maybe even the next year. He will wake up before Hux and instead of leaning and kissing him on the cheek, he'll look at Hux's sleeping body. He'll notice Hux's poking bones, his constantly dry skin and slightly crooked nose. He'll think about Hux's bad days, his never-ending silence and angry shouting. How selfish he can be sometimes. And Ren will walk into the kitchen and brew his tea like he does every morning, never with honey because honey makes tea too sweet and he will stare into the pale morning light. Out of the blue, he will come to the conclusion that for no particular reason at all, he doesn't love Hux anymore.

He turns his head to Ren and kisses him fully on his lips. Ren smiles at him confused. He doesn't know that soon he will grow tired of this. Hux decides to forgive him in advance. He will not get angry when the time comes. He looks on the pool and imagines someone else taking his place, swimming with Ren by his side. His heart skips a beat and his eyes fill with tears. Good things never last for long, not when it comes to him.

***

“Have you ever slept with anyone?” Hux asks but he already knows the answer. He is not Ren's first boyfriend. He's had a few girlfriends too, skinny girls with blonde hair. Hux despised all of them, no matter how sweet they seemed. They had something he didn't have no matter how hard he tried.

Ren huffs something into the pillow but Hux cannot understand a word he says. He waits in the silence. His hands are resting on his thighs. Ren rolls on his back and glances at Hux. He seems to consider the situation. He bites into his bottom lip. “I think you know the answer, sweetheart,” he says at the end. He sits up and squeezes Hux's hand. He seems worried as if he expected Hux to throw a tantrum at any moment now. Hux only nods.

“That's fine,” he says and he means it. There were Richard and Erika before him, and that blonde guy Max. He looks down and kisses the tip of Ren's finger. “I am not angry, you know.”

Ren watches him carefully. He is not sure what to say. Hux wants to tell him that nothing he says will be wrong. He remains quiet though. Ren finally brushes his hair and stares at the red color. He told Hux before that he loves his coppery hair. “I am sorry, sweetheart,” he finally says though there's nothing to apologize for. Hux gently brushes his cheek and Ren quietly leans into his touch.

“Your fingers are cold,” Ren says as he kisses Hux's palms. “I am your first,” he says suddenly in a rushed whisper. Hux's cheek color red in embarrassment and he tries to turn his face away so Ren wouldn't be able to see his humiliation. “No,” Ren says and turns Hux's face back toward him. “No, no. Look at me!” Hux flinches but only a little. He hopes that Ren doesn't notice it. He keeps his father's beatings to himself and wishes to keep it that way. He doesn't need Ren's pity. “I am flattered actually. Though I cannot really give you what you can give to me.” He sheepishly looks away. “I love you, Armitage. I want you to know that.”

“I know that,” Hux speaks. “I love you too.” His heart clenches painfully inside his chest. A lonely tear rolls down his cheek and Ren brushes it away. He probably thinks that Hux is distressed because of the topic they are talking about. They didn't go further beyond a few occasional touches. Even now are Ren's hand resting above Hux's belt as quiet assurance that he will not make his move until Hux allows him to. Hux is flattered, truly. He knows that sex belongs to relationship and even though he is not sure if he wants it, he will convince himself that it's the right thing to do. Being nervous is natural, he has to remind himself. But he feels glad that Ren doesn't push him that evening. They lie next to each other until it's time for Hux to go. “My dad will be worried,” he lies. He knows that Brendol will be angry. Hux is trying to keep their relationship secret. His father would never agree if he found out that his son is dating another boy. He knows Ren's mother which is another reason he shouldn't know about the two of them.

“It's getting pretty late,” Ren says almost pleadingly. “You could stay the night.” He taps the side of the bed. “I could make popcorn. We could watch a movie or something.” He kisses the tip of Hux's nose. Hux frowns. He really wants to stay, in fact, there is nothing he wants more than to stay.

“I can't,” he says and lowers his head in apology. “Maybe next time, okay?” Ren sadly nods in agreement and once more reaches for Hux. He pushes the redhead into his lap and quietly kisses the side of his cheek. His hands wrap around Hux's slender frame and he holds him for a long time. “I'll call you in the morning,” Ren promises finally. “I could come to pick you up.”

Hux gently shakes his head. “I'll come in front of your house. You hate waking up early and I don't mind.” It's just another lie but it's better to keep things this way. Ren looks suspiciously at Hux and for the first time, it seems that he knows that Hux is hiding something. He nods finally and Hux stands up. He reaches for his jacket and drapes it over his shoulders. “Text me,” he whispers before he kisses Ren on the lips. He hates saying goodbye.

“I missed your last birthday,” Ren says suddenly.

Hux cocks his head to the side. He is surprised now that Ren mentions it. “That's fine,” he says and it truly is fine. He doesn't mind spending his birthday all alone. Those weren't the first and certainly won't be the last. “I was too busy anyway.” He weakly smiles.

“Were you?” Ren looks down at his hands and stands up from the bed. Hux gapes. He's never heard Ren speak this way. His voice is different. Colder and more distant. When Ren looks at him, he sees the pain in those black eyes. His lips are pressed into a thin line. Hux feels like he knows what's coming.

“I didn't know it was your birthday that day but I ditched you in favor of Finn. Phasma told me after we started dating. She is worried about you, you know? You are very lonely. That's not good – it's not good to have any friends at all.”

“I have you and I have Rey and Finn,” Hux argues weakly. He wants to say that it's enough but Ren is already shaking his head. Messy dark locks fall into his eyes and he doesn't bother to brush them away.

“Those are my friends, Armitage. They love you, yes but you know it's different.” What he wants to say is that they will stay only as long as Ren will stay. Hux wants to hide into some dark corner and die there all alone. He stares at Ren for a moment, willing himself to move or do something but he is unable to. His frustration only grows. “Fine,” he admits angrily. “I don't have many friends. And that's fine. I am fine with that. I am fine being all alone. Not all of us are perfect. Not all of us have a big happy family. I am not you, Ren. Do you get it? I have no fucking idea why you're in love with me. The thing is, I am damaged and broken. People see that. They all see that except for you.”

He feels breathless. It takes a moment to realize what he's done. He stares at Ren in growing panic. Ren comes closer and his strong hands wrap around Hux's body. “Let it out,” he whispers to Hux's shaking shoulders and Hux starts sobbing. His body shakes all while Ren gently repeats his name over and over again. “I love you,” he keeps saying when there's nothing else to say. That's the problem, Hux thinks while he's safely tucked in Ren's embrace.

He comes home too late that evening. His father is already waiting in the kitchen. He is drinking beer and his blue eyes are fixed on his son standing in the doorway. “Where have you been?” he asks angrily. “You're late.”

Hux bites into his lower lip. “I was with my boyfriend,” he says.

*** 

He wakes up in the hospital with Leia's face hovering above him. Ren murmurs something in the distance. “Mum,” he warns Leia but his protests go unheard as Leia happily calls Hux's name and hugs him. Hux blinks at her, feeling confused and asks what's going on. He looks around. His eyes fall on Ren's worried face. “Where is my father?” is the question that follows.

He remembers Brendol's screams. “You ungrateful slut!” Then hit after hit until all he could feel was blood dripping from his nose and filling the insides of his mouth. Of course, it hurts. He glances down and sees the bruises blooming on his pale skin, turning back and dark blue and his first instinct tells him to hide them. He shivers when Ren comes closer and Leia takes a step back. Ren kisses the side of his head where the bandages are tightly wrapped. He smells after coffee and the pool and Hux leans into that smell.

“He is gone,” is all Ren says. It's Rey who tells him the entire story later. Brendol was arrested for abusing Hux and it will take a long time before he'll appear again. Hux thinks he doesn't miss him. He was barely a father to him. He was just a nightmare Hux feared all those years and now he can finally breathe, now he's truly free. But he doesn't know what to do with his newfound freedom. All his life, he's known nothing else and without it Hux feels vulnerable, lost.

“I can't believe I've never noticed,” Ren says angrily. Face to face with Ren's answer, Hux is afraid it's directed at him. Soon he realizes that Ren is angry only with himself. He tries to soothe. “I hid it very well,” he says. He is not lying. He made sure to cover up the bruises his father left behind, he made sure he never flinched in Ren's presence. It was just an act but Hux knew how to play that game. He's been able to hide this little fact all his life. That's why it's so strange now when Ren touches the bruises blooming on his forearms with such loving touch that Hux wants to cry. There are bruises and cuts and bandages. When he looks into the mirror, Hux is unable to recognize his own face. There is a ghost looking back at him.

“That's fine,” Hux says to Ren.

“It's not,” Ren tells him stubbornly. “I thought you'll die, Armitage. I thought I will lose you and it scared me.” He closes his eyes. So the confession's been made. It runs deeper than words I love you. What is love for two young people? Even Ren must have realized that Hux is not his last stop. Hux wants to tell him that he knows nothing of love, neither of them does. He keeps quiet when he thinks about Ren's words. Loving someone is one thing and caring about them so deeply that the single idea of the being hurt makes you want to stop existing is something else. Something inside Hux breaks into pieces. “You can't,” he says and Ren looks at him in shock. There is that raw emotion, tears filling his dark eyes. They sit next to each other in silence. Hux leans closer and hides his face in the crook of Ren's neck.

“I am broken,” he whispers.

Ren wraps his strong arms around him. Hux doesn't dare to ask why he's not in school, he never mentions that Ren is missing his training. “You are not,” Ren tells him. “I will not allow it.” Typical Ren. Thinking he will be able to change the impossible. Hux wants to laugh at his arrogance but instead, he starts crying. His sobs shake through his body like a storm on a sunny day. His shoulders are twitching. Ren only holds him tighter. Hux wants Ren to say something but Ren has no idea what sound shall he make. They are too young to deal with this. Hux is eighteen but he doesn't feel like an adult. Surely it was a mistake to make him one.

He wishes to have his mother by his side. He has no idea what it means to have a real mother but he likes to pretend he understands. In Hux's eyes, Leia is a mother he wants to have. It's strange to think about it. His last memory of his mother is so blurry that he had to make up some details. How she smelled. How she laughed. Hux knows that if she was alive, things would be different. Brendol used to drink because he could no longer have her. Hux saw him crying in the bathroom. In those moments looked his father like a human for a change. He kept whispering her name but he never talked about her and Hux learned to accept the cold hard truth. She was dead and there was nothing he could do to bring her back.

He wants her with him now. He is tired of that bullshit that people never truly leave you if you love them. She is a memory now, bitter and quickly fading. One day, he'll forget her completely like she's never existed. And there will be nothing then. Not even a single proof that she loved him. Maybe it's better that he doesn't remember. He can pretend now. He can make up a perfect family. Similar to Ren's own. With father cracking jokes at the dinner table and mother lovingly kissing her son's forehead. He would never push her away like Ren does. He would bring her closer in fear of losing her.

“Father is dead for me,” Hux tells Ren much later when he's released from the hospital. “I am going to live with my aunt.” His voice is shaking and cracking. He doesn't even know that woman. Ren looks at him strangely, not quite understanding until Hux voices it out. “It's in Ireland.” Ireland. It basically on the other side of the ocean. It's not just a different city. It will take them hours before they'll get to see each other. Hux expects Ren to break up with him now. The distance kills relationships. Even he is aware of that.

He is surprised when Ren shrugs. “It'll be fine,” he says after a long pause. “I'll make sure to call you every night. How does that sound, sweetheart?” He kisses Hux on his lips. Hux knows he wants to move his hands lower but he never dares to. They stare at each other in silence. Ren could eat him raw if he wanted to. But he never does. There is something careful about the way he treats Hux. Almost as if he knew that he could break the redhead just by touching him too roughly. Hux isn't sure if he should be grateful or feel offended. For now, it doesn't matter. They have only weeks now and after that will remain their future together undecided.

“We'll make it,” Ren keeps promising days that follow. Hux wants to shake his head and show him the statistics. He bets that all couples say that before the unavoidable happens and those cute pairs that were meant to stay forever together split up. Hux never says a word. He stops nodding. He just stares at Ren when he says it. He can see the pain in Ren's eyes. He knows he looks miserable too.

“I love you.”

Hux kisses the tip of Ren's nose. “I want you to fuck me.” Ren freezes. Hux wonders if he asked the wrong way. People in porn usually used those words and they worked just fine. He doesn't get the reaction he expected. He isn't even sure what he expected. Ren pushes him away and is silent for a moment.

“You don't mean it,” he murmurs and sounds heartbroken. “I don't want you to push into something you're clearly not ready for yet.” Hux wants to pull out his hair. He shakes his head but Ren doesn't listen to him. “Later,” he says shortly. Hux nods and that's all he does. _Later. Later._ The thing is, there is no later for the two of them. There is only now and now time is slowly running out.

***

Hux thinks he likes Ireland.

It's completely different from America. His aunt is a nice woman. She is all short smiles and gentle words. She even asks him what he wants to have for dinner. Hux's never met her before but she claims she's met him when he was just a baby. When he feels brave enough, he asks Sloane to tell him about his mother. She curtly laughs and taps her chin. Her fingers are long and elegant and Hux cannot stop observing the glittering golden rings she usually wears.

“She was a nice woman,” she says in the end and puts the plates on the table. “You would have liked her very much. You took after her. The same eyes, you have the very same eyes and the very same smile.” They eat in the silence that is not tense. Hux nods when Sloane asks him if he likes pizza and doesn't think less of her when she apologizes for not being a good cook. “I've never found time to learn how to prepare a good meal.”

“It's fine,” he assures her. It's better than fine in fact. For the first time, he feels joy over Brendol being gone. He likes his new room, the bright colors and the orderly desk near the window. He likes Ireland too. It's raining a lot here but the people are nice. He doesn't make friends instantly but he doesn't end up sitting in the corner of the room, too afraid to speak up. He fits here, or so he thinks and no one tells him otherwise so he never doubts it.

Ren texts him every day and calls in the evening. “Phasma misses you,” he informs him during one of their late talks. “I miss you too you know.” Hux feels as happiness swells inside his chest and he smiles before he realizes that Ren cannot see him. “It's not the same.”

But Ren understands. He never asks Hux to return back, not even for a short visit. He knows that memories still follow. Hux had nothing in America. It doesn't feel like he left home. But he misses some things. Rey and Finn, Leia and Han. He misses Phasma and Ren.

In the mid of March, someone knocks on their door. Hux doesn't think much of it until he opens them. He stares at the boy in front of him, ripped jeans and that bright smile. Warm brown eyes meet Hux's icy blue. Ren weakly grins and spreads his hands. His big body is shielding Hux from the world outside. “Armitage?” Rae calls from the kitchen but Hux cannot bring himself move.

“God,” Ren says and his voice shakes from emotion. “You got really tall.” His hands wrap around Hux's middle and that's when Hux snaps from his frozen state. He nods and then he kisses Ren with everything he has. Their lips crash and Ren's hands settle on his hips. They never go lower. Some things simply never change. They part again. “I love you so fucking much,” Ren pants and Hux swears he sees tears in his eyes. He steps inside and invites Ren in. Rae is standing in the hall. She stares at Ren with a smirk playing on her lips.

Hux forgets all about her. “I am sorry,” he murmurs when he stops her and his cheeks flush red. He waits to see her reaction. She grins and comes closer with her hand already reaching for Ren's. Ren gladly shakes with it.

“I guess you're the boy that Armitage constantly thinks about.”

Ren runs his fingers through his hair. “I guess,” he murmurs but he's smiling. Hux's heart skips a beat. Rae invites Ren for a dinner. She tries to make pasta but miserably fails so she orders a pizza and while they wait, Hux takes Ren into his room. Rae winks at him and Hux uncomfortably shifts. Ren has to notice his discomfort because he starts that conversation in the room.

“Do you want to?”

Hux shrugs. He keeps thinking about it. He isn't sure. Ren notices that too. He lands in Hux's bed. “I am not impatient or something,” he says to explain himself. “Please,” he makes Hux look at him and his brown eyes are pleading. “It's different. Completely different.”

“You don't have to be a celibate because of me.” Hux feels as frustration starts to build inside his chest. He needs to let it out. He wants to scream and make Ren understand that he's making a big deal out of it. Things should be simple. And he shouldn't be so afraid. Instead of thinking further, Hux reaches to grab Ren's zipper. His cheeks flush red when Ren grabs his wrist and pushes him away. He stares at him wildly. “Your aunt is downstairs,” Ren says. “She could hear us.”

“Let her,” Hux says. “She won't mind.” Bitter taste fills his mouth. He wants to take off Ren's pants and suck him off or something. He just needs to be over with this nonsense. Ren gently shakes his head and touches Hux's shoulders. He seems unlike himself. For a moment is Hux afraid that he ruined him.

“Please,” Ren begs him and it surprises Hux. Ren never begs. Shame fills him from inside. He remembers his father's words. _Slut. Whore. Degenerate._ His hands start shaking. It's not Ren's fault. None of what happens next. “You should go.” Hux hates himself for it. He should have never sent Ren away. He watches as Ren opens up his mouth to speak. Then the anger comes. Ren hardly ever cries but he gets angry, always so angry and this time Hux feels like he deserves it.

“Fine,” Ren grits out and throws his hands in the air. “I tried, Armitage. I tried so hard because you are different from those before you. I wanted to be sure. I wanted to make you comfortable. I love you. Don't you get it? I love you as I've never loved anyone else.” He comes closer and Hux shakes. He wonders if this is it. Maybe Ren will hit him now. Nothing like that happens. _Hit me,_ Hux thinks desperately. Ren kisses him on his forehead. He never says a word. He never raises his hand against Hux. Then he turns around and leaves. Hux watches him go, unable to move. His father destroyed him. Brendol won, there is no doubt now. Hux is a mess. He fears the abuse and yet he cannot live without it.

***

“You heard it,” he tells Rae when she comes into his room with a pizza in one hand and a cup of tea in other. She nods and joins him on the bed. Hux can still feel the heat of Ren's lips against his forehead. The single thought fills his eyes with tears. He doesn't want to cry. He's too tired of crying.

“The tea is strong,” Rae tells him with a sad smile. “Be careful when you drink it.” She brushes Hux's hair with shaking fingers. Hux wants to ask her for help but he is unable to find the right words to do so. He wishes to be dead. He thinks that he would hurt Ren less if he didn't wake up that day in the hospital. “Look,” Rae tells him. “That boy loves you and you love him. It's a great thing, to love and be loved in return. Couples argue, it happens. He'll come back. You'll apologize.” She seems so hopeful. Hux wants to tell her that not all problems can be solved. He wants to tell her that not all people were made for someone else. He takes the first bite of his pizza and stares into his lap. He cannot push the thought away this time. He still remembers the look in Ren's eyes. He hurt him, he broke him. Hux feels sick.

“I am not your mum,” Rae continues. “And I will never try to replace her, I promise. But I want you to know that I will always be here for you.” She pauses before she continues. “It's a big change. And it might be hard. But please, trust me with this. You are not alone, Armitage. Not anymore.” She hugs him and Hux leans into her embrace. She smells after rain and blooming flowers. Her hair is tied back and her face is wrinkled in worry. She looks unlike his father. There is no cruelty in her eyes. Nothing of anger or cold distance. She keeps looking at Hux like he's a human, a living thing. And Hux is grateful for that.

She kisses him on his cheek and leaves him with her words. He holds the cup of tea in his hands and observes the world from behind his window. He knows he's sick. The sickness is growing inside his lungs and his stomach, it's running through his blood but the worst thing is that it's living inside his mind. It's hard to pretend that everything is going to be okay when some part of him believes that nothing will ever change. Maybe it was his father who caused it. Maybe Hux is the one to be blamed. He's always been the quiet shy boy without any friends who really cared about him. He's never celebrated any of his birthdays or sneaked out to go on some pointless party. He's never imagine being loved and adored. There is no love inside him. That love died when they buried his mother under the ground and after his father's hand collided with his body for the first time.

Hux knows that the darkness inside his mind should never win. But he is weak now and he is sad so he doesn't mind it for a moment. He is so used to it now that he cannot imagine his life without that constant pain and misery. The good moments are just fleeting and they never last for long.

He feels pathetic now when he tells himself that he and Ren simply cannot be. He feels pathetic when he ignores Ren's pleading messages for the next two weeks and instead deletes Ren's number, never explaining why. He is the villain of Ren's story. The point is to make it hurt. And it hurts for the longest time. It hurts once Ren stops writing to him with finally in his last message. _I am sorry but I cannot do this anymore._ He downloads Instagram at the beginning of the summer. By that time he believes that the pain is gone. His heart skips a beat when he finds Ren's account and for a moment he almost decides not to check it.

Ren's there with a tall girl with dark brown hair. Hux hates that photograph. There's a short caption. _Forever in love with you._ He curls under the blankets and the pain is back. This time, however, he knows how to go on. He is too damaged yes, but at the same time, he is a master in hiding it. Hux thinks that leaving Ren behind hurt him more than it could possibly hurt Ren. But the pain makes him feel alive. It makes him feel less damaged. And slowly it fills all the empty places inside him. He deletes his Instagram soon after. He is alone again. His next birthday is spent in silence. Rae bakes him a cake. Hux cannot believe he made it that far. _He is nineteen._ He blows the candles and laughs. In school, no one notices. He doesn't mind. He lies to Rae when she asks him if he celebrated with his friends. “Yes,” he nods. “It was fun.” He likes that her eyes sparkle with joy that he finally found his place and that he belongs. Hux cannot stop thinking about Ren.

“I missed your last birthday,” he said to Hux one day. “I'll make your next special.”

Hux pushed him away before he could fulfill his promise. Ren is the only thing that is on Hux's mind now. He cannot return back because he is too stubborn. But he cannot stop remembering either. Hux makes a decision to focus on his studies. He is good at maths. He enjoys getting lost in the numbers. He turns off his phone whenever he can. He keeps telling Rae about his days spent with friends. He never gets invited anywhere.

After some time, the pain goes away. It doesn't matter. Ren is pushed aside. Hux still wonders if he's dating the same girl or if he moved on. He hates those thoughts. He hates that he destroyed what was between them. He works harder. He gets better notes. His teachers cannot stop praising him. He avoids pools. The years go by. Hux wishes he could forget. But he never does.

***

He's thirty-five.

The tip of the cigarette he's smoking is burning in a bright red color. The city around him is quiet. Ren is wearing a tailored suit. His hair is curling around his ears and softly falling on his shoulders. He is the picture of success. And he stares at Hux with those soft brown eyes.

“You've changed,” he says at the end of the night. He is leaning against the hood of his car. Hux huffs a laugh and takes another drag of his cigarette. He blows out a grey smoke and smiles. His lips are blue from the cold and his entire body is shivering. “The boy I used to know would never smoke.” Hux uncomfortably shifts. He should have known that it's not a coincidence and yet nothing could have prepared him for finding Ren seat in his office, staring at Hux in absolute shock. The worst fucking interview ever.

“You've changed too,” Hux curtly nods in his direction. “You said you wanted to swim professionally. And look at you now. You a fucking Emperor on a fucking throne.” Hux wants to return back to London. This was supposed to be simple. Come to New York, meet with First Order's business partner and then come back. Just this morning he came to believe that there was nothing to worry about. He was so wrong. Ren shakes his head a little and comes closer. He looks larger than the last time Hux saw him. But again that last time was Ren almost crying when Hux sent him away. He was just a boy back then. And Hux was damaged goods, he still is. Not so many things have changed after all. Hux wonders what he's going here. He should have said no when Ren invited him for a drink. But the want to be close to this man once more was stronger than Hux.

Even now he wants nothing more than to jump at Ren and kiss him. There's never been anyone else. If Hux cannot have Ren, he will have no one at all. He has his job and his cat waiting for him in London and a friend, lovely girl Amelie who invited him for her wedding and who seems to know him better than anyone else. He has Rae, still living in her small flat in Ireland, still eager to call him every night. And he has just enough memories of Ren to jerk off whenever he thinks about him. That's all that he needs.

“I should leave,” Hux says after a moment of silence. Ren doesn't stop him and Hux doesn't move. Ren smirks when he notices it. Hux grits his teeth and presses his lips into a thin line.

“I am not here to mock you,” Ren says and touches Hux's shoulder. “I missed you, you know.” Hux closes his eyes. Ren shouldn't have missed him. He should despise Hux for what he did not try to get closer to him.

“It's been years, Ren.” Hux looks elsewhere. He was eighteen when they started dating. Now he's thirty – five. _17 years passed._ Hux wants to use it as an excuse.

“So you have a girlfriend now? A wife?” Hux grits his teeth because he knows that Ren is ware that he is still single. “I am alone right now too,” Ren adds more gently. His eyes tell Hux that there's been someone before.

“I saw a picture of you and your girlfriend after we broke up.” Ren looks down, ashamed. He is quiet for a second and Hux thinks he will deny it. It could have been a misunderstanding. Hux isn't sure what he expects Ren to say.

“Look,” Ren says. His voice is shaking and his hands are resting on Hux's shoulders. “I wanted to forget you. I loved you. And then you started ignoring my messages, my calls. I thought I fucked up. I stopped eventually because I knew it was over. I found girls and boys but it never lasted for long. There was Michael, Samantha… I don't even remember other names. I was thinking all about you, Hux. Armitage. It's always been all about you. I thought I'll never be able to find you again. Imagine my surprise when you walked into my office this morning. It's you but you look different. And I thought that that is it. The universe, God… call it how you want to, is giving us a second chance.” He kisses Hux's forehead. “Tell me I am wrong. Tell me that you are not thinking about me. That I mean nothing to you and I will leave. I can leave you alone and you'll never hear of me. But please, tell me. I think I've fallen in love with you so deep that I will never be able to love anyone else.”

He closes his eyes and Hux finds himself shaking. This is the moment when the couple kisses once more and things turn to better. He should say yes and beg Ren for forgiveness. “I don't think it'll work,” he says after a moment of hesitation and Ren's eyes snap open. He refuses to let go of Hux when he tries to move away. “Armitage, don't you dare to do this,” he whispers quietly. “Say yes or no. I don't fucking want to hear speculations. I can't spend another decade doubting myself. I love you. It's either enough or not.”

Hux suddenly feels angry. He starts struggling. “You don't fucking get it, do you?!” he screams and tears start rolling down his cheeks. “I am fucking sick. I am a sick monster! I can't allow myself to be happy because it never lasts for long. I push people away, I push everyone that I love away because I need pain of any kind. I needed my father's beatings, I needed broken bones and bruises. I needed letting you go, I needed being alone and having no friends. The more it hurts the more I feel alive. I wanted you to hit me. HIT ME! Do you hear me, Ren? You must hate me for what I've done. I am sorry. I love you so much that I feel like I cannot go on without you. But you deserve better. And if I let you come closer, I'll suffer again. You cannot stop it, you cannot treat me! I am fucking sick!” He stops moving altogether. Ren stares at him, wide-eyed and crying too. His hands wrap around Hux's middle and Hux breaks down. He buries his head in the crook of Ren's neck. “I am sorry,” he murmurs when his tears soak thought the expensive suit. Ren shakes his head and brushes Hux's red hair. He says he doesn't mind.

“I am sorry,” Hux apologizes once more. For all those years wasted. He wishes he could turn back the clock and rewrite his sins. Start all over again. Ren laughs and his chest expands. He kisses the top of his hair. He refuses to let go of Hux and Hux doesn't want to go anywhere.

Their shadows melt into one.

“We'll figure it out,” Ren promises and rocks them back and forth. Hux clings to him like a child. He closes his eyes. He doesn't make a sound.


End file.
